SEX Q & A

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Contraceptive pills generally do not cause reduction or loss in libido. However, if you feel a need to assure yourself psychologically by ruling out any possibility that birth control pills are the cause, you can consider stopping them for a few months. Seven years is a long time to wait before addressing the problem of your lacklustre libido. During this time, many factors could have built up. And it is difficult to attribute it to any one particular aspect as the reasons could range from stress at work place or in personal relationships, to a loss of romance and or even, a lack in proper sexual techniques to achieve orgasms every time. Try to rediscover romance by finding time for each other and spending a quiet weekend somewhere. Identify what has changed between the first three years of your marriage and now and try to rekindle that with your spouse. You can also take this chance to try something new to spice up your sex life but make sure it is something you are both comfortable with. If this doesn’t work out, you may wish to consult a sex counsellor as there could be a deeper problem contributing to your lack of libido.

2. I am 35 years’ old while my husband is 28 years’ old. I have low sex drive while my husband’s is very high. He wants to make love with me almost everyday, and I will try to accommodate his needs if I’m not tired. After the delivery of my son, my sex drive dipped even lower and I don't seem to like making love at all. My husband understands that I’m tired looking after the baby and doesn’t force me to make love with him. But we will still do it at least once a week or I’ll help him masturbate. Will my husband’s health be affected as he masturbates almost everyday? Does age affect one’s sex life? As for me, I always feel guilty when making love with my husband. I feel very guilty and cheap whenever he touches me during lovemaking. I cannot concentrate at all. As a result, we need lubricants for penetration to take place, unless I can really concentrate. Is there something wrong with me too? How can I make myself enjoy sex with my husband, and can you advise me where I can seek help?

Your husband’s health would not be affected even if he masturbates daily and there is no statistical average as to how much sex a man of his age would need to feel satisfied. It is true though, that a younger person will have a stronger sex drive, especially males but strangely, women in their mid-30’s up to early 40’s have even stronger sexual desire. Your feelings of feeling “guilty” and “cheap” when your husband touches you is not a healthy sign. Perhaps your husband is making requests that you are not comfortable with or it could be due to your physical tiredness from looking after a young child, lack of sleep and mentally pre-occupied with domestic and childcare demands and problems. Remember that every part of you, from your hair to your toes, is meant for loving and there should be no feelings of guilt or feeling cheap. It is important for a healthy relationship to be re-established by your re-focusing on sexual relations between your husband and yourself. It could be that you might need a bit more foreplay before making love to your husband. Your mind is a powerful stimulant and when coupled with the power of suggestion, the end result might surprise you. Involve your husband. Foreplay can start with a simple phone call from him to you during the day. Don’t talk about work or your child. You can start with a simple “I miss you” or “I cannot wait for you to come home” and let your imagination take over from there. Leave your child with your parents or in-laws and go away for a quiet weekend. Spend the time exploring each other and savouring each moment. It is important to concentrate and enjoy while your husband makes love to you, so that you can feel that you are being loved and receiving love. Share your feelings with your husband so that he knows how to address them properly. If you find that you are unable to pinpoint the root of the problem on your own and communicate your feelings effectively, you should consider speaking to a sex counsellor. It is only when the feelings of guilt or feeling cheap are removed that you are capable of fully able to give love to your spouse and receive love from your spouse through sexual intercourse.

3. I’m 27 years’ old and married with one kid. My husband is 39 years’ old. We do not have sex often as our kid still sleeps with us. We find it difficult to manage our time as we are both working and are too tired to engage in sex. How can we overcome that? The other problem is that my husband enjoys oral sex but I do not fancy it. How do I tell him about it? I do not want to hurt his feelings, but at the same time I don’t want to do something I don’t enjoy either. Please help!

Intercourse is an exchange of love between couples where privacy is essential and to have a young child sleep with you is the most effective contraceptive. If possible, persuade your child to sleep in another room and be firm about it. This way, your child does not interrupt the whole pleasuring build-up during intercourse. Alternatively, you can take a more proactive stance and move to another room when your child is asleep. Bear in mind that a young child witnessing his parents engaging in intercourse could have adverse psychological impact. In today’s society, ‘lack of time’ and ‘too much work’ have become common reasons for not engaging in intercourse. The very act itself is natural and demands the same kind of attention that you give to other everyday acts. If you make time to bathe, have a meal or schedule meetings at work, you and your spouse should also make the effort to spend quality time with each other. You say that you find it difficult to manage your time. I suggest you and your spouse put more effort into planning time together with each other. Spending time with your child is important but as parents, you also need to spend time alone with each other to build a stronger foundation. It is through intimacy and love that the bond of a lasting relationship can be enhanced. Lastly, though your husband enjoys oral sex, it should also be an act that you enjoy. For some, they do not enjoy oral sex because the genitals are associated with excretory functions and are generally perceived to be unhygienic. You might have your own reasons for not giving/receiving oral sex but mutual understanding, satisfaction, pleasure and acceptance can only be achieved when you and your husband communicate your true feelings to each other.

4. I am 35 years’ old while my husband is 40 years’ old. I enjoy sex and so does my husband. Before getting married, he always wanted to have sex, but now, he is always too tired, whereas, I’m beginning to have a higher libido. Is this normal? How can I get my husband to be more interested in sex?

Yes, this is normal. It is common for men to feel tired as they approach andropause – the male equivalent of the female menopause. It is also common for women between the late 20s to early 40s even, to have an increased libido. Most men in their 40s would have accumulated a series of bad habits such as smoking, drinking, not eating healthy or not having enough rest. Couple these habits with stress and the onset of andropause and you have a problem in your hands. At his age where health should be of paramount concern, your husband should start looking at leading a healthier lifestyle. If he smokes and drinks, he should stop. Cultivate better eating habits by avoiding fried foods and make time for exercise. There is no reason why both of you should not reap the benefits of exercise together since it has been proven to enhance sexual well-being. A simple walk around the neighbourhood can prove to be more beneficial than you think – it would allow him to de-stress, spend time on a new activity with you and get a work out. You can consider other forms of exercise when both of you are feeling more adventurous. To further improve your sex life, just keep in mind that men are visual creatures and therefore need visual stimulation. You should know best what your husband likes and surprise him with it. If he likes lacy lingerie, then it’s time for you to make a purchase. If you don’t know what your husband likes, all the better as you can take the opportunity to experiment and explore with him. The most important thing is that both of you must be committed to working towards the same goal – that is to improve your sex lives. It is frustrating to work towards the goal on your own so find out first if your husband is willing to make the change. It would take time, effort and consistency on both your parts but the end result will be worth it.

5. I am 26 while my husband is 29. We have two children. We have an active sex life and we enjoy making love to each other. Lately, my husband has been requesting to have anal sex. Is this normal? I’m worried that I might get hurt and at same time, I feel uncomfortable about the whole thing. How to go about telling him how I feel without hurting his feelings? If I do decide later that I want to try anal sex, how can I overcome my initial reservations?

Experimentation is part of sexual growth and the urge to try something new, like anal sex is normal. However, it should not completely take over the act of vaginal intercourse. Your fears of pain are justified and you might in fact experience a straining feeling much like defecation. This is because your internal sphincter muscles, which are usually tightly closed, will be involuntarily forced open during anal sex. It is therefore, very important for you, the receiving party, to not only be willing but also be comfortable. Your husband might not be able to empathise with your fears, understandably since he is not the receiving party. He should learn to accept that “no” is also an answer even if it’s not the answer he wants to hear. Should he persist with his request, suggest that he put himself in your position; this might help him understand your point better. In future, should you decide to have anal sex with your husband, empty your bowels first and purchase lubricant. Your husband should also purchase an ample stock of condoms because the anus is full of bacteria. It is imperative that you do not use the same condom for anal and vaginal penetration. This would lead to transference of bacteria and can cause infections to the bladder, vagina and thence the pelvis. Sexual experimentation of any sort requires honesty, trust and respect. On your part, you have to be honest about how you feel and trust your husband to respect your feelings. How you feel is extremely important considering that you are the receiving party and that you are more vulnerable to infections compared to your husband. These are reasons enough for you to be non-compliant.

6. I'm a full-time housewife. I do not enjoy sex and I get irritated when my husband asks for it. I feel that there are so many other things that require attention - I rather read the papers or watch television. This is affecting our marriage! I have two kids, aged four and six.

A good sexual relationship is one of the most important bonds in a marriage and it sounds like you are suffering from loss of libido, or sexual desire, which is naturally present in all healthy adults. This could be due to psychological factors e.g. lacking love or admiration for each other, lack of privacy or sense of animosity or hatred, on the other hand, illness, body discomfort and physical and mental exhaustion. Identify what irritates you when your husband asks for sex. Is it his approach? Does it irritate you because sex with your husband has become so predictable? Or is it his timing? Maybe you are irritated because when he asks for sex, it means you have less time for yourself, especially if you have been looking after the household the whole day? Once you identify what it is that irritates you, it would be easier for you to address the issue. If you are irritated because he asks for sex during your favourite show then let him know. Of course, no man likes to be told that a television programme is more exciting than sex with him, so sweeten the message. You can tell him (during the commercials) that you would be distracted if you had sex with him while your favourite show was on and that you would prefer to wait till it was over so that you can give him your full attention. Deliver the message with kisses and reward him for his patience when you are ready. Recognising that this is affecting your marriage is a positive sign. The next step is improving communication between your husband and yourself. Understand that you too have a part to play in trying to make your marriage work. If your husband’s request for sex irritates you then make the first move. Request it from him when you are not distracted with the other things that require your attention. If none of these are your problems, seek medical advice. Medical treatment may include correction of underlying medical disease or use of certain hormones to enhance libido.