OTHER TOPICS Q & A

Click on your selected questions for the answers, or scroll down below for all the Q&A's

1. Are there any tricks to bonding with baby or does it just happen?

2. My baby looked so small and red. She is nothing like what I had imagined. Will I bond with her?

Its easy to be disappointed if your expectations are unrealistic. But remember, like any other relationship, this one too will bloom with time. As you sow, so shall you reap. The love you give to your baby will come back to you threefold. The whole process of labour is exhausting, painful and long-drawn out. Neither you nor your baby come out of it looking their best. So give it time. A few weeks, and you will see your tiny red infant blossom into the pink-checked, bright-eyed child of your dreams. The first few weeks and months ahead will be tough as baby will initially do little other than eat, sleep and soil nappies. But as baby becomes responsive, your chores will seem lighter. That first look of recognition, that first smile, and you will be hooked for life. All these fears will then seem laughable.

3. My husband is all-thumbs and is scared to death of touching the baby?

It is up to you to reassure your husband that babies look very fragile but they do not actually break that easily. Babies are very accepting of parents and she will doubtless over look the fact that daddy forgot to clean her neck at bathtime or that he put on her diaper on back to front. Let daddy try out his hand, under your supervision, if he prefers it that way. Baby will soon learn to differentiate between your and daddy's touch and will enjoy the differences. Mummy's soft and cuddly while daddy's touch is firmer. If your baby is fortunate enough to have two loving parents, let her enjoy the benefits.

4. I work full time. How can I make sure I am not neglecting my child?

First of all, relax. You can't be a good mother if you stress yourself out on a performance analysis every day. Remember that all that your baby wants is to be with you, so don't try to turn cartwheels at the end of the day to enthuse your baby. He'll probably be winding down for bedtime by then.

Try and follow a certain routine with your child after you return. Do something he enjoys -- it could be a favourite song, sitting on your lap with his favourite toy or it could be playing with a few harmless things from your briefcase. Do stop him if he starts tearing up your faxes or chewing up important documents.
Try not to switch on the television just then. It must get very tempting to just sit down and vegetate for a while but try to reserve that for after baby's bedtime. You can't watch TV and baby at the same time and baby needs some undivided attention from you.

If your child is a little older you can go over his day with him. Ask him what he did or who he met? Did he play in the sand pit downstairs or did he stay indoors. Your baby may not be able to say much, may be a few odd words but it will give you an idea of his day and he will be happy to have you interested.

If you are there a little early, stay with him during dinner instead of sorting through the mail or making your calls while he eats.

Try to keep housework to a minimum and if you have to finish some household chores, take him along. He can watch you chopping vegetables, or he could help you tidy up the house. Involve him in some activities nearby while you get your job done. Adjust baby's bed time so that you have some time with him as well as have some time to yourself later. If baby is up till 9 or 9.30 p.m., you will have no time to unwind before you hit the sack. Make some plans for the weekend so that the whole family gets some relaxed time together once a week. Don't try to cram in a weekend of fun and frolic to compensate for your absence during the week. If you don't feel like an outing, thats okay too. Just having you at home will be good enough for baby.

5. Now that we are three, how do I involve my husband in my love for baby?

The best gift that your can give your baby is a happy and caring family. Your husband's role in the threesome is vital. Baby belongs to both of you and he will relate differently but as deeply, with both his parents, if you give him the opportunity. Always remember, baby needs daddy and his life will be the richer for dad's role in it. Let your husband participate in baby's feeds. If the baby is bottlefed, dad can surely feed as well as mummy. If you are breastfeeding baby, dad can bring you the baby at night for his feed and then tuck him back again after it. It is also a good idea to leave baby with dad for short periods of time. A father who is nervous about his parenting capabilities may discover he is not that bad if he has to cope with all of baby's needs by himself. Let daddy bathe him on weekends. You will have to show him the ropes and probably be around for the first couple of times. Bonding comes from enjoying baby and in seeing baby enjoying your company. Often dads are so afraid of handling baby that they stay away from caring for baby and they miss out on a lot of fun. Do remember not to criticise him and make him feel inadequate as a father if he falls short of your exacting standards. Be patient and your husband will surely surprise you. Studies show that even in their play, fathers tend to engage in more rough and tumble games while mothers tend to verbally stimulate their babies and prefer more conventional games. In one study, more 18-month-olds chose their fathers when given a choice of play partners.

6. Do all babies like being cuddled? How developed is their sense of touch?

Its easier to observe how a baby responds to touch than how he sees or smells. For instance, if you touch the baby on the mouth, he will immediately begin to suck, even if its your finger. Stroke his cheek and he will turn towards you. These are feeding reflexes which are vital for baby's survival. Newborns are very sensitive to touch. They enter the world screaming at the bright lights and the alien environment but that stops as soon as they are cleaned up, swaddled and placed in mummy's arms. Studies show that touch is very important for the baby's development. There is evidence to show that babies who are not touched do not thrive as well as those who are hugged and cuddled regularly. Observe your baby to see what he enjoys. Does he like tight hugs or does he prefer being held more loosely ? Does he prefer having his toes caressed or his body ? Look to your baby and he will lead you the right way.

7. Are there certain characteristics by which I can know whether my baby is "a difficult baby"?

It is not a good idea to label a baby with terms like "easy" or "difficult". Although an outgoing baby is likely to grow up into an outgoing adult, or an active baby to become an active adolescent, upbringing and home atmosphere can change or modify a baby's temperament. As far as parents are concerned, an easy baby is one who sleeps on time, feeds on time, interests himself in his toys and never throws up on the guest. Parents of difficult babies question their parenting skills and worry about what their baby will do next. Although there is no one answer on what makes an easy or difficult baby, researchers have observed that there are basically five problem areas associated with "difficult" children.

8. With babies and children in the house, why is hygiene even more important in the home?

Hygiene in the home is important as it affects the health of the whole family. Ensuring a clean home helps to keep it relatively free from germs and thus reduces the risk of infection and the spread of diseases. With children around, hygiene is even more important. Household dust and micro-organisms trapped in carpets could trigger off asthmatic symptoms in young children. At the crawling stage, your baby would also be able to pick up small objects (eg, rice, or tiny insects!) and place it in the mouth for exploration. Toddlers who have touched dusty furniture could unknowingly rub their eyes with their dirty hands, or put their fingers into their mouth. Therefore, a house should always be cleaned at regular intervals, bedding changed (to prevent bugs) and particular attention given to areas where germs may breed more easily, like the kitchen and the bathroom.

9. How can I teach my child about the importance of hygiene?

In simple ways, explain to your child why cleanliness is important. The most effective way to help your child adopt hygienic habits is to set the right examples and ensure that all the family members follow the same rules (no double standards, please!). Some of the areas you could teach your child about hygiene at this stage includes the following:

10. How can I ensure that I am buying a good pair of shoes for my child?

The Correct Fit

Get a trained shoe fitter to assess a good fit in terms of the length and width as well as the girth of the foot.

The Correct Material

Leather is the ideal shoe upper material because it allows the growing feet to breathe. Non-porous materials create heat and sweat, which make feet vulnerable to fungal infections.

Soles

It should be light and flexible to ease the child into the shoes, and flat to give stability.

Heel Support

We don’t mean high heels here. This is the additional reinforced layer at the heel for better support. Watch out for shoes of poor quality material which may seem to fit initially but the hind will crease and crumble after a while, causing shoes to slip off.

11. I have a 22-month-old son and we share the same house as my brother and sister-in-law who have been married for a few years now but without children. I have tried to toddler-proof the house as much as I can but my sister-in-law is not willing to re-arrange her things for the sake of my son. There have already been a few occasions where my curious son has broken her possessions, especially in the common living area. My sister-in-law feels that her rights would be infringed if she were to comply with my requests. She also thinks that I should discipline my son for doing these naughty things and teach him some self-discipline. Please advise on what I should do.

Obviously your sister-in-law does not see things from the same view point as she does not have a child of her own yet. Your son is not being naughty to want to explore and touch things around him. It is part and parcel of his growing up. Try explaining to her the growth and developmental stages of a toddler and hopefully she will understand your predicament. To adopt the “no, no” approach in order to respect her rights would be at the expense of your son’s confidence and self-esteem, which is detrimental and often irreversible. At 22-month-old, your son is incapable of having any self-discipline. It is rather pointless for you to fight with him or to try to teach him too much beyond his capacity to understand. It will not be fair for him to be punished for something he does not know is wrong. You would have to judge for yourself whether you want to please your sister-in-law for a temporary period of convenience on her part, or to ensure that your son’s growth and development are not curtailed.

12. My friends recommended that I send my two-year-old daughter to Sunday school so that she can mix with the other children. Is it true that such an environment will help her build more confidence?

Generally speaking, sending a shy child to an environment with a group setting and where social interactions are inevitable would help her to boost her confidence level. This is because the child can learn social skills by observing others doing it. Peer pressure is another strong motivational factor. In an environment where there are play opportunities, the timid child learns more about a social setting and how she should participate in them. However, for parents whose child does not favour group situations, take a one-to-one approach by perhaps inviting a friend or neighbour over and allowing them to play by themselves. Until she is sufficiently comfortable should you enrol her into her Sunday school or play group.

13. I am going back to work soon. Will my baby forget me?

Do not underestimate your baby. For nine months this baby slept under your heart, listened to your heartbeat and heard the sound of your voice. Your baby not only knows you by smell, he could distinguish your voice from all others' within the first days of life. There is no chance of him forgetting you.

14. My child often wakes up in the middle of the night due to mosquito bites. It is then often rather difficult to get him back to sleep. What can I do to keep my home free form mosquitoes?

Though mosquito bites are generally quite harmless, it is the itch that is particularly irritating to a child, often causing broken sleep. Cold water, calamine lotion, or anti-itch cream will often reduce the itching long enough for the child to get back to sleep. This will also minimise scratching which may bruise the skin and cause an infection. The best way to ensure that your home is free from mosquitoes is to ensure that they do not have a chance to breed in or near your home. Mosquito eggs take about a week to turn into an adult mosquito. You would have to change the water in all your flower vases every alternate day and wash thoroughly before refilling them. Flower pot plates are also excellent breeding grounds for mosquitoes. These have to be scrubbed well because mosquito eggs can survive for weeks after the water in these flower pot plates have evaporated. If you store water, ensure that the pail is covered to stop mosquitoes from breeding. You also have to ensure that there are no unused containers in which rain water can collect in the vicinity of your house. You also need to check that the drains near your house are not clogged. Clogged drains lead to stagnant water which will then lead to the breeding of mosquitoes. In this kind of a situation, you may use granular insecticide which may be easily obtained from nurseries and certain service stations. Aerosol insecticides may be used in the house. Spray it in cool, dark places where mosquitoes are likely to rest, such as in the bathroom, under the bed and behind the doors and cupboards.

15. What are some exercise to help strengthen a three-year-old’s feet and improve their flexibility?

At the age of three, exercises which focus on the feet will strengthen muscles, arches, tendons and enhance the flexibility. You could get your child to draw with his foot. He should secure a chalk between his toes and make markings on a board which is angled. Once he is able to do this you could get him to pick small things such a soft toy or a towel up with his toes. He could even try to roll up and squeeze the towel with his toes. Foot printing is an activity which your child would definitely appreciate. A word of caution though, it can get very messy. Be sure to cover your floor or if possible do this activity outdoors. Make sure you have plenty of space and plenty of paints of various colours. Soapy water and a towel should be kept handy for you to clean his tiny feet before he leaves red footprints all over your marble floor.

16. I was told that jumping requires a different sort of coordination from walking. How can my child improve his coordination?

It is true that jumping requires a different sort of coordination from walking. River crossing is just the exercise for your child. This exercise also helps a child assess distances and alter his muscle effort accordingly. If you are outdoors, draw two parallel lines on the ground or use sticks to form two lines about a foot apart to begin with. If indoors, set out parallel lengths of string or tape on the floor.

17. Is it advisable for my husband to kiss and cuddle in front of our children?

It is always good for a child to observe human warmth and affection. It is helpful for a child to observe that adults are capable of making up after an argument or a misunderstanding. Children do sometimes get jealous of the special relationship between their parents. However do not be overly concerned about it because it is all a part of learning about separation and it will also help him decide to go out and find his own partner when he grows up. You shouldn’t exclude your child from the cuddles all the time though, because he would then feel rather left out. Besides family hugs are a whole lot of fun for everyone.

18. Should I stop my children from exploring each other’s bodies?

Many of us grow up playing ‘Doctor’ and ‘Nurse’ or some other game which involves the removal of clothes and the exploration of bodies. This is a natural part of growing up and learning. Some parents however tend to over-react and read too much into it. However if your young child’s behaviour is precociously sexual, and he seems to know too much intimate sexual details for his age, then it could well be a sign of sexual abuse. If this were the case, then you should be alert to this possibility and investigate further. In most cases, this sort of play is harmless and it presents to you the perfect opportunity to explain the parts of the body which are considered private. You could also explain that these part of the body can only be touched when the other person consents.

19. My son sometimes refuses to kiss his granny. I wish he was more affectionate towards his grandparents. What can I do to encourage this?

Forcing a child to be affectionate to please you or other people, runs the risk of making the child believe that he has no control of his own body and must always do what other people tell him to. Being able to say no is important. If a child knows that he can say no to unwanted physical contact, it may ward off any abuse. It may be embarrassing for you when your child refuses to kiss grandma goodbye but do realise that you child can be affectionate without physical contact, so respect his wishes.

20. I am scheduled to give birth in a couple of days but I still don't feel maternal. Will I automatically love my baby?

A mother's love for her baby is one of the most powerful feelings a human being can experience. The important thing is not to have unrealistic expectations of your first meeting with baby. A mother-to-be reads so many books and watches so many videos on motherhood, she expects a rosy glow to envelop the moment she first sets eyes on her baby --- and boom, the bond is for life. It may not always happen that way. If it does you are lucky but remember you will be exhausted after labour and so will baby. Once baby is out in this world, your first feeling could well be one of relief and not love. Baby will not be feeling sociable after his gruelling day and may just seem like a squealing stranger, quite unlike what you had imagined him to be like. But don't worry. Mothers too take time to bond but they do and soon.

To a baby, this is his first love relationship and one that endures. Remember, your relationship with baby will help mould all his future relationships. Babies who are taken care of physically while being deprived of emotional care (as those who are brought up by a succession of baby-sitters) do not grow as well as babies who are brought up with love. Ask yourself the following questions:

If the answers to the above questions are yes, there will be no lack of love and happiness in your family. Just trust your heart.

21. I will be going back to work once my maternity leave is over, is there any point in breast feeding for a short time?

Breastfeeding even for a short time is better than not at all. Since baby's immunity system is yet to develop, the colostrum and breast milk you provide will provide invaluable protection for your baby against infectious diseases. In case you are worried that your baby will refuse the bottle once you go back to work, you could get your baby used to the bottle by giving him an occasional bottle of breast milk or formula once he is three or four weeks old. Do not start earlier or offer more frequent bottle feeds as that will slow down your body's production of milk. In the early days of breast feeding, it is important to nurse frequently, in order to stimulate your body to produce more milk and establish a good supply for your baby. Also, if baby is given a bottle too frequently, he may prefer the bottle to the breast and you may have difficulty getting him to nurse. Once you return to work, you could either leave expressed milk for your baby or bottle feed him during the day and breastfeed before and after work.

22. My fussy little baby keeps me on my toes all through the day and all through the night. How do I survive?

The key word here is "Help". Firstly, enlist Dad. Even if you are a supermum you need help and understanding from your husband and family. Take turns getting up through the night. Mom takes the odd days, dad takes the even, or Dad could take over during weekends while you do Mondays to Thursdays. Find out what works best and share duties. Dad may be tired after a day at work, but you too have had a long day. If dad wakes up half the time baby is restless, and you the other half of the time, you will not only get some welcome relief, it will also make you feel less resentful in single-handedly coping with baby’s tantrums. Two nights of unbroken sleep can work wonders for a harassed mother. Dad will, in the meantime, get more proficient at handling baby and will have an opportunity to interact with the little one on a one-on-one basis. Get an evening out. Leave baby with grandma or a friend. Go out with your husband for dinner and stay away from baby as a topic of conversation. Get together with friends who might have a similar problem. Talking about your difficulties will help you relieve some tension and you will see you are not alone. Raising a baby is tough work and if its not one problem, its another. Dwell on the positive aspect of your relationship with baby. Instead of focusing on her tantrums, her fussiness, and the sleepless nights, think of the happiness she gives you. The feeling of being perpetually exhausted is deeply frustrating. Weariness can lead to anger. So try to sleep when your baby is napping. Put the housework on hold and put your feet up whenever you can.

23. I noticed that my son’s teeth are slightly yellowish. Is it because he hasn’t been brushing them enough? Would using teeth whiteners help?

Most Asians are born with yellow-tinged teeth as compared with the Indians and the Africans. However, discoloration can occur with excessive consumption of sweets and cola-drinks (with adults, it is too much coffee and tea). Depending on the severity, discoloration can be masked or treated by the dentist. However, a dead discoloured tooth resulting from a fall should be treated promptly as the infected nerves could form an abscess, resulting in a gum boil. You should never use teeth whiteners on your child as most contain an abrasive or bleaching agent which makes the teeth more sensitive and prone to decay.

24. My two-year-old son is always complaining that his feet hurt, even when we haven’t been walking that much. A friend told me to be more careful when selecting his shoes as it is very important that my son wears a pair of good-fitting shoes. Why is this so?

Many of the foot problems (like the index toe leaning and curving towards the big toe, or the last toe overlapping onto the fourth) are the result of bad-fitting shoes or unsuitable footwear in childhood. At six months, the foot comprises mostly of cartilage can be deformed by an ill-fitting sock or a tight all-in-one body suit. The bone structure is still developing at the age of two but there are large gaps between the bones. When a child is eight years old, the second part of the phalangeal and metatarsal bones are formed but will take another 10 years to fuse together. Ill-fitting shoes can easily affect this process. Finally, at 18 years of age, bones are fully formed and hardened, with only small gaps between them. Most parents are quite vigilant initially, especially in choosing the first shoes, but fail to realise that children’s feet remain vulnerable till they are 18 years’ old.