BEHAVIOUR Q & A

Click on your selected questions for the answers, or scroll down below for all the Q&A's

1. My preschooler often leaves the house in a mess at the end of the day. How can I encourage him to tidy up after he finishes playing?

There are a few tricks you could pick up to encourage your child to tidy up after he has finished playing.

The first is to contain it. Instead of putting the toys into drawers and high shelves, put them in stack up crates. You could put out the crates for your child to fill up when he has finished playing with his toys. Stacking them up at the corner of the room not only helps you save space but ensures that your child knows exactly where his toys are. Smaller items such as crayons may be kept in ice cream tubs or cardboard boxes with lids since they could get lost among the bigger toys.

Second you should inculcate the feeling of pride of place. When a child likes his room and takes pride in it, he is more likely to keep his room tidy. In order to do this, you should allow your child to choose some items of furniture or ornaments. You should also allow your child his personal space to decorate and you should really leave it up to him to arrange his things. You have to remember however that young children are not as bothered about tidiness as adults. So instead of constantly nagging at the child, try to work out some sort of a compromise.

Thirdly you could try rewarding tidiness. You should decide on a target for your child depending on his age. Avoid bribery though because it would lead to more problems later. You award a star for each time the target is reached and give your child a small reward when a certain number of stars are achieved. Always remember to praise the child and give him positive feedback. You could also try to limit the mess by going through your child’s toy periodically and discarding the ones that he has outgrown. Encourage your child to put away one toy before he takes out another. This will ensure that he does not have too many things on the floor when he has finished playing.

Finally always remember that your child feels a lot better when he is allowed to do it himself. While the end product may not be up to the standard that you expect, it would still make the child feel better when his efforts are recognised as being good enough.

2. Why does my preschooler think that the universe revolves around him?

A preschooler has no notion of what it is like to look at things from another person’s perspective. Ask a three year old where he got that new toy, he would probably reply with a simple “Mary’s” without feeling the need to explain that Mary is his cousin who has come to spend some time with the family and has brought him the gift. A child at this stage assumes that by the nature of things, you know all that he does and the things that are important to him are also important to everyone else. At this egocentric stage of development the child typically over-generalises and overestimates his experiences while he underestimates everyone else’s. This self-centredness is common in children at this age. They cannot make that imaginative leap required to identify with someone else’s point of view; to put himself in your place. This is the egocentricism, which accounts for a child’s curious assumptions about the way the world works. Only a three-year-old would think that the trees are waving at him and the sun sets at the end of the day because he is tired. They just do not have enough experience to understand that the trees and the sun respond to influences different from his. He over-generalises his own feelings and experiences. He assumes that the sea exists so that he can swim and that the whole purpose of thunder and lightning is to make him afraid. The three-year-old often thinks that everyone sees things the way he does, from his visual perspective and understanding. He cannot step into someone else’s shoes nor can he adopt another way of looking at the world.

3. I feel that my four-year-old daughter is old enough to eat with us at the dinner table. How can I help her acquire good table manners?

It is definitely a good idea to introduce your four-year-old to the “grown-up” way of eating. The first thing that you have to do is to give her own plate, bowl, fork, spoon or whatever implements that the rest of the family is using. If your child has been fed by someone all this while then, you should give her some practice during her playtime. Playdough food toy cutlery sets are ideal learning tools. When she is actually at the dining table you have to refrain from trying to make things too easy for her. You should not pick up her food for her because this will only hurt her pride and undo your effort at helping her learn good table manners. If you have to remind her occasionally not to speak with her mouth full or to take too much food, make sure you do so tactfully instead of reprimanding her. As with any other skill that your child has to acquire, practice is the key. You should get her to sit at the dinner table regularly instead of allowing her to gobble her food in front of the television set. An important thing to note is that your child learns best from observing good examples. If the entire family has good table manners, then your child will pick good table manners too. Soon enough you will be proud to take your child to a posh restaurant for a meal.

4. I realise that giving attention can quickly slip into spoiling when the attention is excessive, given at the wrong time or if always given immediately. What are some of the pitfalls to avoid?

You have in fact pointed out the three areas of which should be avoided. They are:

Excessive attention
When a parent constantly hovers around a child at play, constantly coaching him and expecting to join in, he is interfering with the child’s ability to learn to do something by himself and impeding his growth. When a parent fails to distinguish between a child’s needs and his wants and he attends to the child’s wants as though they were his needs, that is excessive attention.

Giving attention at the wrong time
When your child throws a tantrum do yourself a favour and ignore it. Responding to his tantrum and giving in to them will only guarantee a repeat performance. A child will repeatedly use the method, which works in getting either mummy or daddy to give him what he wants. In the same way when you focus on your child’s whims because you are too busy, you are not teaching him to respect your rights and needs. You have to teach your child that his every whim will be catered and he needs to learn that his wants do not always take precedence over your needs.

Responding immediately all the time
While it is vitally important that you attend to your child’s needs immediately, you should take a little longer to attend to his wants, if at all. Delaying immediate gratification will teach your child to value what he has. This is especially so in relation to material possessions where children are often given to whims and fancies. Your child need to realise that while he will get his milk immediately when he is hungry, he may have to wait a while longer before he can get that new toy if at all he will get it.

5. How does a child’s thought processes mature between the ages of four and six?

A child younger than four is incapable of seeing logic from another person’s perspective. The child is in the egocentric stage of development where he is the centre of the universe and he sees his experiences only in terms of himself. His logic is “If I can’t see you then you can’t see me either.” The process of cognitive development really begins when the child loses this egocentric view and begins to step outside of his own feelings and thoughts. The child at this age will be forced to acknowledge other people’s perception as they begin to interact socially with other children. Another feature of the thought process, reversibility, only emerges at the age of about five or six. With this the child’s ability to reason will be enhanced. Before the emergence of reversibility, the child can only reason forward - to him a tall thin glass contains more water than a short fat one. At this stage, even if juice from the tall thin glass is poured into the short fat one in front of his very eyes, the child will still be able to see that the volume of the juice remains unchanged. You could argue with him till the cows come home and he would still insist that he would rather have the short fat glass, thank you very much. Another reasoning skill that has to be developed is the ability to classify. At age three a child will put a blue triangle with a blue circle on the basis that they share the same colour. An older child will be able to group circles of different colours together on the basis that the common property is the shape of the object. By about the age of five, a child can group objects consistently on the basis of a single feature. From the age of five, the child understands the concept of conservation. It is only now that the child is able to see that a piece of clay when made on a pancake is no bigger than when it is made into a sausage. Conservation of weight is only learned at age eight and conservation of volume at age eleven. The above stages described are but guidelines. If your child does not learn as quickly as the neighbour’s child, you should not try to push him to learn quicker. While each child will go through each stage in the same sequence, you have to remember that children develop at their own pace.

6. Should I allow my child to see me in the toilet?

Most mothers of today find that privacy is a thing of the past when they have small children following them everywhere. In fact having your child see you in the toilet may be useful during potty-training. When a child regularly sees adults using the toilet he will soon realise that it is a natural thing to do. Most children would have watched mum but little boys have very little opportunities to watch what dad does in the toilet especially when he is not around for the most part of the day. Boys are often harder to toilet train than girls and as children often learn best by imitation, there is a strong argument for dads to take their sons to the toilet with them if neither dislikes the idea.

7. I constantly worry that although I bring my child up in a morally sound environment, he might still fall into bad company. How do I ensure that it does not happen to my child?

While that is the concern of most if not all parents, you have to realise that you cannot keep your child protected all his life. Your best guarantee is to bring up a strong child who would be able to stand up to the influences of his peers which goes against the basic moral values that you want him to hold. In the book “Raising Good Children”, Dr Thomas Lickona suggest four ways in which you can ensure that your child grows up morally strong. Firstly, you would need to maintain a positive personal relationship with your child and also a strong family life. This can be achieved by communicating with the child, spending time together and developing a sense of identity within the family. Secondly you would need to help your child develop a positive self image. A self confident child is more likely to follow his own beliefs than one who is full of self doubt. Next, moral values. It is of utmost importance that you help your child develop an image of a good person. When you begin early and you do so over the years, your influence on your child would be great indeed. Finally it is important that you balance independence with control. Say ‘yes’ when you can but ‘no’ when you need to. The one thing to realise is that each child is different and the balance largely depends on the maturity level of your child.

8. I want my son to make friends and enjoy the company of his peers. How do I ensure that he does not go “astray”?

To a certain extent you can control the environment in which your child grows up in. If you live in a neighbourhood with fairly respectable people with sound ethical and moral values, then you could probably safely say that the children your son mixes around with are alright. However you should ensure that you are in the position to supervise your child at play. You should know what their play activities are and you should also know who he plays with. If the children in the neighbourhood do not share your moral values and practices and you wish for your child not to pick up their ugly habits, then you could establish certain rules to minimize your child’s contact with them. However you should not cut off contact totally or your child might end up over protected. The school environment is also very important since your child spends a rather large part of his day there. Pay attention when your child tells you what he does in school and who his classmates are. You have to be observant since your child’s account is the best way for you to find out about his school environment.

9. My four-year-old girl is a dawdler. She holds up the entire family almost every morning. She totally refuses to get out of bed when she is supposed to, fusses when I am dressing her and she spits out her breakfast. I usually have to scold her but she does not seem to be able to understand my frustration. What else can I do?

There may actually be a good reason for your child dawdling. She could just want to spend more time with you, Alternatively, it could also be that she hates the kindergarten that she is in or the caregiver that she has to spend the rest of her day with. She may dislike the school because of a fierce teacher or there could be a bully in her class. You need to ascertain your daughter's motivation before you deal with the problem. However if you have exhausted all the possibilites and there does not seem to be any clear reason for your child’s behavioural difficulties, perhaps a management technique might help. You could try setting the clock to ring at the time when the family is supposed to leave the house. Then tell her that if she succeeds to beat the clock, she would get a reward. The reward need not be big, but it has to be attractive, e.g. spending extra time at the playground with mummy.

10. My active four-year-old son is quite a handful. He does silly things like scooping the guppies from the family aquarium to look at their gasping gills. A few days ago, he drew in his sister’s school book and even tore out some pages from her favourite story book. I truly am at my wit’s end. How can I control my boy?

Such a child as your son need to be kept busy. Give him a schedule of tasks to be completed at given times. You could work out a reward system based on the tasks that he needs to complete. Perhaps stickers for every task successfully completed and stickers deducted for every incidence if bad behaviour. At the end of the day the stickers can be exchanged for real rewards, like extra time to watch television, etc. You must spell out for your child beforehand the good behaviour which will earn him tokens and the bad behaviour which will cause him those same tokens. The plus point to this scheme is that it not only elicits good behaviour but also maintains it. Better yet it also minimises the bad behaviour. And to add icing to the cake, your child learns some functional skills.

11. My preschooler is a real bundle of energy. He constantly runs around the house screaming at the top of his voice and he has a powerful set of lungs. He totally ignores our pleas to stop and keep quiet. What should I do with him?

Perhaps your child is bored. If perhaps he is try to provide some thought provoking play materials. An alternative is to take him to the playground for him to work off his excess energy. If that is not possible that perhaps you could assign him a room which is safe for him to be running around but is far removed enough not to cause you your sanity. A good technique to employ is to make noisy play a reward for rest and quiet play. Hence you can allow half an hour in the playroom for half an hour of quiet work or rest. You can have a great deal of variation to this, depending on your needs and the availability of materials.

12. How do fears and anxieties develop in small children?

Most common fears are fairly normal for children at different ages. They appear at certain periods certain periods of a child’s life and create no real or long term problems other than inducing mild to moderate levels of anxiety and distress. In infants, and very young children, a number of fears are considered part of growing up and generally thought to have important survival value. However most fears and anxieties in older children are the result of environmental experience and factors. For example, a child may develop a fear of a certain object because of a direct unpleasant experience with the object. This can be seen in the instance of a child who becomes afraid of dogs after having been bitten by one, or a child who is afraid of nurses and doctors following a painful injection. Some fears can also develop indirectly. For instance, young children may develop some fears after watching frightening scenes on television, in movies, comics and books. In such cases, the fear develops vicariously through the child’s ability to imagine that he is going through the experiences of others. Children may also develop fears by imitating the fears of other people, such as his parents, siblings or friends. In some cases, fears arise as a result of direct warnings from older children or adults, such as “the policeman will catch you” or “the dog will bite you”. These warnings may subsequently generate a fear of policemen and dogs.

Its easy to be disappointed if your expectations are unrealistic. But remember, like any other relationship, this one too will bloom with time. As you sow, so shall you reap. The love you give to your baby will come back to you threefold. The whole process of labour is exhausting, painful and long-drawn out. Neither you nor your baby come out of it looking their best. So give it time. A few weeks, and you will see your tiny red infant blossom into the pink-checked, bright-eyed child of your dreams. The first few weeks and months ahead will be tough as baby will initially do little other than eat, sleep and soil nappies. But as baby becomes responsive, your chores will seem lighter. That first look of recognition, that first smile, and you will be hooked for life. All these fears will then seem laughable.

15. My husband is all-thumbs and is scared to death of touching the baby?

It is up to you to reassure your husband that babies look very fragile but they do not actually break that easily. Babies are very accepting of parents and she will doubtless over look the fact that daddy forgot to clean her neck at bathtime or that he put on her diaper on back to front. Let daddy try out his hand, under your supervision, if he prefers it that way. Baby will soon learn to differentiate between your and daddy’s touch and will enjoy the differences. Mummy’s soft and cuddly while daddy’s touch is firmer. If your baby is fortunate enough to have two loving parents, let her enjoy the benefits.

16. I work full time. How can I make sure I am not neglecting my child?

First of all, relax. You can't be a good mother if you stress yourself out on a performance analysis every day. Remember that all that your baby wants is to be with you, so don't try to turn cartwheels at the end of the day to enthuse your baby. He'll probably be winding down for bedtime by then. Try and follow a certain routine with your child after you return. Do something he enjoys -- it could be a favourite song, sitting on your lap with his favourite toy or it could be playing with a few harmless things from your briefcase. Do stop him if he starts tearing up your faxes or chewing up important documents. Try not to switch on the television just then. It must get very tempting to just sit down and vegetate for a while but try to reserve that for after baby's bedtime. You can't watch TV and baby at the same time and baby needs some undivided attention from you. If your child is a little older you can go over his day with him. Ask him what he did or who he met? Did he play in the sand pit downstairs or did he stay indoors. Your baby may not be able to say much, may be a few odd words but it will give you an idea of his day and he will be happy to have you interested. If you are there a little early, stay with him during dinner instead of sorting through the mail or making your calls while he eats. Try to keep housework to a minimum and if you have to finish some household chores, take him along. He can watch you chopping vegetables, or he could help you tidy up the house. Involve him in some activities nearby while you get your job done.
Adjust baby's bed time so that you have some time with him as well as have some time to yourself later. If baby is up till 9 or 9.30 p.m., you will have no time to unwind before you hit the sack. Make some plans for the weekend so that the whole family gets some relaxed time together once a week. Don't try to cram in a weekend of fun and frolic to compensate for your absence during the week. If you don't feel like an outing, that's okay too. Just having you at home will be good enough for baby.

17. Now that we are three, how do I involve my husband in my love for baby?

The best gift that your can give your baby is a happy and caring family. Your husband's role in the threesome is vital. Baby belongs to both of you and he will relate differently but as deeply, with both his parents, if you give him the opportunity. Always remember, baby needs daddy and his life will be the richer for dad's role in it. Let your husband participate in baby's feeds. If the baby is bottlefed, dad can surely feed as well as mummy. If you are breastfeeding baby, dad can bring you the baby at night for his feed and then tuck him back again after it. It is also a good idea to leave baby with dad for short periods of time. A father who is nervous about his parenting capabilities may discover he is not that bad if he has to cope with all of baby's needs by himself. Let daddy bathe him on weekends. You will have to show him the ropes and probably be around for the first couple of times. Bonding comes from enjoying baby and in seeing baby enjoying your company. Often dads are so afraid of handling baby that they stay away from caring for baby and they miss out on a lot of fun. Do remember not to criticise him and make him feel inadequate as a father if he falls short of your exacting standards. Be patient and your husband will surely surprise you. Studies show that even in their play, fathers tend to engage in more rough and tumble games while mothers tend to verbally stimulate their babies and prefer more conventional games. In one study, more 18-month-olds chose their fathers when given a choice of play partners. Do all babies like being cuddled? How developed is their sense of touch? Its easier to observe how a baby responds to touch than how he sees or smells. For instance, if you touch the baby on the mouth, he will immediately begin to suck, even if its your finger. Stroke his cheek and he will turn towards you. These are feeding reflexes which are vital for baby's survival. Newborns are very sensitive to touch. They enter the world screaming at the bright lights and the alien environment but that stops as soon as they are cleaned up, swaddled and placed in mummy’s arms. Studies show that touch is very important for the baby’s development. There is evidence to show that babies who are not touched do not thrive as well as those who are hugged and cuddled regularly. Observe your baby to see what he enjoys. Does he like tight hugs or does he prefer being held more loosely ? Does he prefer having his toes caressed or his body ? Look to your baby and he will lead you the right way.

18. How can I stimulate my baby’s sense of touch?

Touch is very important for a baby's growth. The parts of the newborn's body that are the most sensitive are the face, hands, abdomen and soles of the feet. Babies love having the balls of the feet massaged. Try massaging your baby. Your baby's responses will tell you what he enjoys. Hug and cuddle your baby if he seems to enjoy it. Most babies love having their toes blown on. You could also introduce him to different textures in the house – a soft pillow, a bristly brush, a towel or the family pet (if he's friendly). You could also buy him toys with different textures which will help enhance his sense of touch.

19. Are there certain characteristics by which I can know whether my baby is "a difficult baby"?

It is not a good idea to label a baby with terms like "easy" or "difficult". Although an outgoing baby is likely to grow up into an outgoing adult, or an active baby to become an active adolescent, upbringing and home atmosphere can change or modify a baby's temperament. As far as parents are concerned, an easy baby is one who sleeps on time, feeds on time, interests himself in his toys and never throws up on the guest. Parents of difficult babies question their parenting skills and worry about what their baby will do next. Although there is no one answer on what makes an easy or difficult baby, researchers have observed that there are basically five problem areas associated with "difficult" children.

20. My 10-month-old baby seems to have a mind of his own. He is determined to have his way in everything. Is he terribly spoilt?

Don’t worry, your baby is growing up. For the first part of the year, your baby went along with anything you said for that was all he know. But with growing maturity, he has learnt that he can assert himself. Prepare yourself for the fact that this will grow worse before it gets better. He will be saying no to the cereals, yes to the ice-cream, and contradicting himself on various points right through the day. But a baby saying no, either verbally or with an emphatic shake of the head is just his way of practising another new-found skill. He does not always mean no, he just enjoys saying it. However, do not dismiss his opinions right out of hand. He may be a baby but he deserves to be heard. That however does not mean ice cream for lunch, tea and dinner. It is up to you to see what makes sense and follow through with that. If he's shaking his head at the cereal, offer him a choice of another healthy food. Listening to him will boost his self-worth. Do not treat baby's moods/tantrums with a heavy hand. If your baby is playing up, think humour before you think discipline. Try distracting your baby. This will definitely be an easier job now than it will be a year down the line once the terrible twos set in. Just remember, that a baby asserting his personality is a healthy and normal trait and thank god he's not a teenager – yet.

21. With babies and children in the house, why is hygiene even more important in the home?

Hygiene in the home is important as it affects the health of the whole family. Ensuring a clean home helps to keep it relatively free from germs and thus reduces the risk of infection and the spread of disease. With children around, hygiene is even more important. Household dust and micro-organisms trapped in carpets could trigger off asthmatic symptoms in young children. At the crawling stage, your baby would also be able to pick up small objects (eg, rice, or tiny insects!) and place it in the mouth for exploration. Toddlers who have touched dusty furniture could unknowingly rub their eyes with their dirty hands, or put their fingers into their mouth. Therefore, a house should always be cleaned at regular intervals, bedding changed (to prevent bugs) and particular attention given to areas where germs may breed more easily, like the kitchen and the bathroom.

22. How can I teach my child about the importance of hygiene?

In simple ways, explain to your child why cleanliness is important. The most effective way to help your child adopt hygienic habits is to set the right examples and ensure that all the family members follow the same rules (no double standards, please!). Some of the areas you could teach your child about hygiene at this stage includes the following:

23. My 11-month-old screams as soon as I pick up my handbag. What should I do?

Separation anxiety is a part of growing up. As the child grows up, his awareness of himself as a separate entity from his mother heightens his fear of being alone. He knows that once mummy goes out of the door, she will be gone for an uncertain period of time. Since a child has no appreciation of time, five minutes may seem like an hour. But do not let your child's tears make you guilty enough to postpone outings. You need time to run errands as well as spend some time doing what you want to do and baby will soon learn that mummy always returns home to him. But do see to it that: Baby is left with some one reliable who he is comfortable with. The baby sitter should be competent enough to handle baby's tearful outburst and any other tantrums he may throw in your absence. Usually, a baby will stop crying once you are out of the house and he realises you are not coming back. If baby cries right through the evening, you may have the wrong sitter. The best situation is of course getting grandma to baby sit. But if you don't have the luxury and are calling in some one new, make sure she comes in a little early so that baby and she can make friends while you are around. Once the two of them are settled in with some activity, leave. Do warn baby that you will be going out. A surprise outing may get her more upset. Spend some extra time together. Hugs, cuddles, a good picture book to look through together will leave your baby more comfortable with the idea of a little separation. If you feel that will get your baby more upset, change tactics. A brisk bye bye is better than an emotional farewell. If baby cries, give him another hug, reassure him and leave. A few days of this and he should adjust to the idea that you are not abandoning him and that you will always come back. If you've never left baby alone before, it may be a good idea to start with short stints with a familiar person before you leave him for the entire evening. That way, you will deal better with your separation anxiety as well.

24. My son who has just turned 18 months suddenly clings to me all the time. He has never behaved like this before. I also have difficulties putting him down to sleep both in the day and at night. Why is this so?

Your son is experiencing separation anxiety, which usually surfaces when a baby is around this age. You will find your toddler insisting on your company during most of his waking hours. Naptime and bedtime can be difficult with the clingy toddler whimpering for attention when the mother tucks him in. Separation anxiety in toddlers may show up as excessive shyness or as aggression as he resists being separated from you. Most of the time, clinginess is tied up with the fear of being abandoned. While putting him to sleep, take time to sit a little longer and reassure him with lots of pats and hugs. Be patient as this is only a developmental phase which will soon pass as he grows older.

25. My 19-month-old daughter is so clingy that she sticks to me like glue. I can hardly get things done or run errands. Sometimes, I have to resort to sneaking out while she is occupied. How can I help her to cope with separation, and how long will this last?

Your toddler is at the stage where her mobility and curiosity make her want to investigate and explore the things around her. This brings her up against new situations and unfamiliar people whose behaviour she cannot predict. Since her experience and understanding is still limited, she will fear the strange and the unusual. Being her mother, the strong bonding helps to keep her safe – thus the clingy behaviour. This behaviour may be a continuation of the separation anxiety which started when the baby was a few months old, or it may suddenly surface around 18 months of age for those who seem to be calm and complacent all the while. This developmental phase requires more patience and reassurance on your part. In time, the increasing age and maturity, she will develop a mental picture of her parents while they are away and understand that they will return. Her distress will gradually diminish when she develops language skills to communicate her anxiety to the person looking after her. You should not sneak out when your daughter is pre-occupied with something. This may seem a good way out initially, but what you are doing is to erode her trust in you. Psychologists have advised that the child should be told when his mother is leaving and when she will be coming back. You can get your child used to being away from you by leaving her for short periods with a familiar adult while you are out of sight in another room. Reassure her with your presence by talking to her. Try that again for a longer period, and a farther distance until she is comfortable with the other adult. How soon a child stops having separation anxieties varies. A lot depends on his own temperament, and sense of security which is often determined by the caregiver environment he is in. Switching a child from one caregiver to another will only make him more insecure. Time is what he requries and perhaps the best remedy for separation anxiety.

26. How can I ensure that I am buying a good pair of shoes for my child?

The Correct Fit
Get a trained shoe fitter to assess a good fit in terms of the length and width as well as the girth of the foot.

The Correct Material
Leather is the ideal shoe upper material because it allows the growing feet to breathe. Non-porous materials create heat and sweat, which make feet vulnerable to fungal infections.

Soles
It should be light and flexible to ease the child into the shoes, and flat to give stability.

Heel Support
We don’t mean high heels here. This is the additional reinforced layer at the heel for better support. Watch out for shoes of poor quality material which may seem to fit initially but the hind will crease and crumble after a while, causing shoes to slip off.

27. I have a 22-month-old son and we share the same house as my brother and sister-in-law who have been married for a few years now but without children. I have tried to toddler-proof the house as much as I can but my sister-in-law is not willing to re-arrange her things for the sake of my son. There have already been a few occasions where my curious son has broken her possessions, especially in the common living area. My sister-in-law feels that her rights would be infringed if she were to comply with my requests. She also thinks that I should discipline my son for doing these naughty things and teach him some self-discipline. Please advise on what I should do.

Obviously your sister-in-law does not see things from the same view point as she does not have a child of her own yet. Your son is not being naughty to want to explore and touch things around him. It is part and parcel of his growing up. Try explaining to her the growth and developmental stages of a toddler and hopefully she will understand your predicament. To adopt the “no, no” approach in order to respect her rights would be at the expense of your son’s confidence and self-esteem, which is detrimental and often irreversible. At 22 month old, your son is incapable of having any self-discipline. It is rather pointless for you to fight with him or to try to teach him too much beyond his capacity to understand. It will not be fair for him to be punished for something he does not know is wrong. You would have to judge for yourself whether you want to please your sister-in-law for a temporary period of convenience on her part, or to ensure that your son’s growth and development are not curtailed.

28. I think my son takes after us. We are rather reserved people, but is it really a disadvantage being shy?

It is true that shyness is part of a person’s basic temperament, which is inherited. However, both nature and nurture can play complimentary roles in learning to be sociable. With the right intervention, a child can overcome his shyness. Although shyness will not hinder the child’s ability to learn, it does affect their ability to grasp learning opportunities. Consider the child who is too fearful to ask a question in class, be it directed at the teacher or his classmates. He soon finds himself at a complete loss about the lesson. On his social development, he will limit his own learning experiences by his reluctance to interact within the group. This will pose greater problems later on as an adult where team work and co-operation are crucial in any working environment.

29. My friends recommended that I send my two-year-old daughter to Sunday school so that she can mix with the other children. Is it true that such an environment will help her build more confidence?

Generally speaking, sending a shy child to an environment with a group setting and where social interactions are inevitable would help her to boost her confidence level. This is because the child can learn social skills by observing others doing it. Peer pressure is another strong motivational factor. In an environment where there are play opportunities, the timid child learns more about a social setting and how she should participate in them. However, for parents whose group situations. Take a one-to-one approach by perhaps inviting a friend or neighbour over and allowing them to play by themselves. Until she is sufficiently comfortable should you enrol her into her Sunday school or play group.

30. Although my daughter is rather strong-willed, she used to be reasonably well-behaved. Recently, our Burmese maid went home and we were “maidless” for almost a month. Then we shifted to our new home soon after, I noticed that my daughter became unreasonable and even more willful. She gets angry very often, shouts and throws tantrums a lot. What could be the cause of her behaviour?

Children can experience emotional overload, which can be caused by separation from people they love or trust. Other separations having the same effect would include a move to a new house, new friends, and a new school. All these events are rather stressful for a young child. It is likely that your daughter’s condition is attributed to separations from the maid and her “old home”. For the toddler, anger comes out around issues of separation, autonomy and control. Her frustration may come from her strong objection to limits set by you, no matter how rational or necessary it is, hence her unreasonableness. For example, you may have restricted her from opening the boxes yet to be unpacked at your new home, or from drawing on the freshly painted walls. For her, those closed boxes may challenge her curiosity, and the wall seems the ideal place to use her crayons. Since you insist that she cannot do it, she rages. She is not yet able to fully understand your reasons for the limit and, in her own way, consider it an affront to her autonomy. For the toddler, anger is released through temper tantrums. A temper tantrum is an emotional blown fuse. It is difficult for the toddler at this age to control her desires to confirm to your wishes, and to contain the frustration she feels at not being able to do something she wants.

31. What is the best way to handle a child who is throwing a tantrum?

The basic rule in such a situation is to keep your cool. A child in the midst of a tantrum will not listen to instructions or threats. Shouting above his noise level so that he can hear you only makes the situation more chaotic. So keep your calm and help him over his rage as quickly as possible. If a tantrum occurs in public, pick him up and take him somewhere away from everyone until he simmers down. Some parents react by walking away and leaving their shrieking child behind, hoping that the fears of “abandonment” will stop his tantrums. More often than not, the screaming child just trails along them. To avoid such scenes, do not bring a tired child out and try not to over-stay in a shopping centre until he is tired. Relieve his boredom by including in your outings something he will enjoy doing. If the tantrums happens at home, some parents may choose to soothe or distract their child, while others ignore it altogether. Sometimes, leaving him in a safe room and letting a child be aggressive does not relieve tension; it makes him feel worse, angrier than ever and, sometimes, frighteningly out of control. You may want to hold him tight and reassure him that he is safe and loved as he rides out the storm of intense emotion. You could also try talking him out of it, if his vocabulary is more advance, by saying something like, “Now tell me what is wrong and I will help you. You don’t need to scream all the time.” There is really no right or wrong way of doing it, just what suits you and your child’s personality and situation.

32. My three children, who are a year apart, are always quarrelling and fighting with each other. What are the causes of sibling squabbles?

The 8 main cause of sibling squabbles are these:

33. Apart from intensifying the sibling rivalry, what effects do parental favouritism have on the child?

Parental favouritism has strong, negative effects on the children’s developments and relationship with one another. For the favoured child, it promotes self-centredness, boastfulness and inconsideration to other’s needs. If he comes from a large family, being the parent’s pet could cause him to endure “isolation” as his siblings may not include him in their games and activities. The child who is disfavoured may grow resentful towards his parents for the unequal treatment, and also towards the favoured sibling, too. His anger and hostility may lead to defiant behaviour which results in even more disapproval from his parents. On the other hand, the child may also feel inferior and neglected, and subsequently lead to a negative self-esteem. He may lose the motivation to do well, even in his area of strengths, as his parents do not seem to notice and appreciate it.

34. My 15-month-old son is frightened of furry creatures like dogs. If it comes too near, he will turn away and clings on tightly to me. Are these fears normal for his age?

Non-specific fears in young children are part of their developmental phase. Some have fears of the dark, of loud sound and certain forms and shapes they perceive as frightening. As they grow in maturity, they will become more discerning and learn to recognise genuinely threatening situations. You could start by showing him picture books or dogs or buy stuff toy dogs as a toy. Let him be acquainted to dogs through play. When he next spot one, do not force him to overcome his fears by going too near. Approach slowly and in time to come, he will outgrow his fears.

35. My sister’s three-year-old son has a phobia towards dentists. How should I prepare my daughter so that she will not be so fearful?

Your nephew’s fear is understandable. The dentist in white mask, the steel and coldness of the dental equipment and the smell can be quite intimidating. Don’t wait till her daughter has a tooth decay to visit the dentist. Make an appointment just to acquaint her with he environment, and to befriend the dentist. Be sure to check with your friends which dentist is good and patient with young children. Make the first few visits short by relating the history and concerns to the dentist before your daughter steps in and asking questions after she leaves. Remember to bring along a familiar adult to take care of your daughter while you’re in the consultation room.

36. I am getting tired of having to pick up after my preschooler. What can I do to teach him to be tidy?

This would be a good time for you to get your child to use the skill that he has learnt at kindergarten to encourage him to be neater. Using his counting skills, get him to count the pieces of his building block and his jigsaw puzzle as he is putting them away. In this way not only do you ensure that he has complete sets, he practices his counting skills and the place is tidy. To get him to put his books back in place, you could start a system of “grading” the books from the shortest to the tallest. You should then tell him that no one him included should be allowed to disturb his meticulous effort. One very practical factor to consider which is often overlooked is whether or not the cupboard and the book shelf is within the child’s reach. It would be impossible for a child to put his toys away when the cupboard is too high for him. To ensure that he puts the things in the right places you should paste pictures of the items which are supposed to go into the respective storage spaces. This will encourage him to put away his toys in the correct places and it also reinforces his sorting skills. All the effort that you and your child put in should not only be confined to his room. You should assign him simple tasks around the house like picking up the newspaper and putting it in the right place. Ensure that he actually does the task assigned to him and when grandma comes to visit you can “show off” your son’s effort when he is within earshot.

37. I am going back to work soon. Will my baby forget me?

Do not underestimate your baby. For nine months this baby slept under your heart, listened to your heartbeat and heard the sound of your voice. Your baby not only knows you by smell, he could distinguish your voice from all others' within the first days of life. There is no chance of him forgetting you.

38. How do I ensure that my preschooler grows up with the correct moral values?

It is natural for parents to be concerned about their child’s moral development. It is highly important for a child to grow up being able to discern right from wrong. It is often difficult for a parent to explain to a child why what he has done is wrong or unacceptable. In order for your child to build a strong conscience, he needs to be able to internalise and understand the rules of right and wrong. A child’s development in moral judgement is determined by his cognitive development. A younger child believes that moral rules are fixed and eternal. A child often bases his judgement on consequence rather than intention. The psychologist Dr Lawrence Kohlberg proposes that children develop through six stages of moral growth. In the first stage, a child determines goodness and badness by the physical consequences of the action. They believe that those in authority have power and should be obeyed. Between the ages of four and five, the child obeys rules to avoid punishment. In stage two, a child between the ages of five and a half and seven perceives that an action is right if it helps to satisfy their own needs. Therefore, obeying rules should bring about some sort of benefit in return. In stage three, the child is concerned about what others think of him. Hence at the age of seven to twelve, the child does what is right to impress others. At stage four, (age 12 -14) the child wants to maintain social order. And so for this sake, rules of society should be obeyed. During stage five, (age 14-18) the teenager believes that rules should be based on mutual agreement and not a blind obedience to authority. In the final stage of development the individual makes moral decisions based on the consistent application of self-chosen ethical principles.

39. My child often wakes up in the middle of the night due to mosquito bites. It is then often rather difficult to get him back to sleep. What can I do to keep my home free form mosquitoes?

Though mosquito bites are generally quite harmless, it is the itch that is particularly irritating to a child, often causing broken sleep. Cold water, calamine lotion, or anti-itch cream will often reduce the itching long enough for the child to get back to sleep. This will also minimise scratching which may bruise the skin and cause an infection. The best way to ensure that your home is free from mosquitoes is to ensure that they do not have a chance to breed in or near your home. Mosquito eggs take about a week to turn into an adult mosquito. You would have to change the water in all your flower vases every alternate day and wash thoroughly before refilling them. Flower pot plates are also excellent breeding grounds for mosquitoes. These have to be scrubbed well because mosquito eggs can survive for weeks after the water in these flower pot plates have evaporated. If you store water, ensure that the pail is covered to stop mosquitoes from breeding. You also have to ensure that there are no unused containers in which rain water can collect in the vicinity of your house. You also need to check that the drains near your house are not clogged. Clogged drains lead to stagnant water which will then lead to the breeding of mosquitoes. In this kind of a situation, you may use granular insecticide which may be easily obtained from nurseries and certain service stations. Aerosol insecticides may be used in the house. Spray it in cool, dark places where mosquitoes are likely to rest, such as in the bathroom, under the bed and behind the doors and cupboards.

40. On two recent occasions, my five-year-old son came into my room and slept with me. However when I asked him the next morning why he had slept in my room, he said that he didn’t know what happened. Could he have sleep-walked?

Sleep-walking is an unusual but normal subconscious behaviour. The child is in a transitional state between being awake and sleeping, somewhat similar to hypnosis. Rarely does a child hurt himself while sleep-walking. However if you do find your son sleep-walking, do not suddenly arouse him, otherwise you will frighten him. Just gently guide him back to his room. Chances are he will not even remember his sleep-walking.

41. My child hates to see me being nice to other children. She would generally act up to regain my attention. She also refuses to share her toys with her friends. What should I do?

Children need to be taught to share, even the things which are precious to them. Experts believe that children learn to share through observing the people around them such as their parents, grandparents and teachers. To illustrate, if a child sees his father sharing say a pie with his mother then he would be more willing to share with his siblings. It has been proven that teaching by example is much more powerful in reinforcing positive behavior than direct preaching or instruction. When a child sees the people around him sharing, he would then view sharing as a natural act rather than an obligation. The act of sharing will then become voluntary and spontaneous to the child. While most parents would hope that their child picks up the act of sharing just by watching, you would have to sometimes make a conscious effort to perform the act of sharing for the child to emulate. You could even make it look like a game so that the child will be more receptive towards it.

42. I understand and realize that the act of sharing is a result of many different forces. Could you tell me what some of these forces are?

Each child is born with his own temperament and personality. This in turn may account for the ability to share. The two aspects of a child’s nature which does this would be the child’s emotionality (easy-going versus intense) and sociability (preference for solitary play versus playing with others). An easy going child is more likely to be willing to share just as a child who prefers solitary play will be unwilling to share his time, belongings, his world even. Some believe that the child’s gender also plays a part in the child’s tendency towards sharing. While girls tend to emphasize attachment boys are more inclined towards being separate and different. While it is true that a child’s gender and personality are important in determining a child’s ability to share, he is also to a large extent shaped by the environment that he grows up in. To illustrate, an only child by virtue of his circumstances tend to learn thoughtfulness and readiness to share at a later stage. The eldest child on the other hand would learn to share his belongings with his younger siblings because it is expected of him, though he might be more guarded with his belongings.

43. How can I tell whether my child is spoilt?

There are some rather clear indications to show that your child is indeed spoilt. A spoilt child:

If you genuinely enjoy spending time with your child and giving him special treats and buying him things that he wants, then chances are he is not spoilt. If he were then you probably do not find joy in doing things for him, you are just doing them to avoid trouble and tantrums. If your child enjoys the things that you offer him whether they are extra nice or just ordinary things then he is not spoilt. If he were he would be busy thinking of the next thing that he can squeeze out of you instead of enjoying what he has now. If he is able to accept ‘no’ without making a scene most of the time, then he is probably not spoilt. He may be persistent in asking for things, he still recognizes your right to decide. If he is able to change your mind no matter how frequently by reasoned argument rather than by fussing and whining, he is not likely to be spoilt. Imagine this; He passionately persuades you to read him another story before he goes to bed and you oblige only after telling him firmly that it would be the last and he would have to go to bed after that and he agrees. You then read the story willingly and he enjoys it and keeps his side of the bargain, then all is well.

44. My younger child is two months old and I recently caught my four-year-old son hitting his younger sister on a few occasions. What should I do?

The most common reaction among parents when an older child is aggressive towards a baby is to reprimand or punish the child. If however you study the reason behind this aggression you will realise that this reaction is not effective in stopping the aggressive behaviour. All that the child learns is not to get caught lashing out at the baby or the child may learn to bottle up his feelings of jealousy. In most cases an older child lashes out at the baby due to his fear that he no longer has his parents’ love and that the parents prefer the baby. Hence reprimanding and punishing him would only reaffirm his fears. However this is not to say that you should condone such aggression towards a younger sibling. What you ought to do is to reassure the older child of your love for him so that he would not feel jealous or resentful of the baby. You should also minimise the amount of time that the older child spends alone with the baby to avoid him being tempted to hit the baby. You also have to be careful of over reacting to this perceived aggression towards the baby. Your older child’s perceived aggressive rough handling of the baby could stem from his lack of experience in handling a younger child or simply because he does not realise that he is being aggressive.

45. How do I ensure that my preschooler grows up with the correct moral values?

It is natural for parents to be concerned about their child’s moral development. It is highly important for a child to grow up being able to discern right from wrong. It is often difficult for a parent to explain to a child why what he has done is wrong or unacceptable. In order for your child to build a strong conscience, he needs to be able to internalise and understand the rules of right and wrong. A child’s development in moral judgement is determined by his cognitive development. A younger child believes that moral rules are fixed and eternal. A child often bases his judgement on consequence rather than intention. The psychologist Dr Lawrence Kohlberg proposes that children develop through six stages of moral growth. In the first stage, a child determines goodness and badness by the physical consequences of the action. They believe that those in authority have power and should be obeyed. Between the ages of four and five, the child obeys rules to avoid punishment. In stage two, a child between the ages of five and a half and seven perceives that an action is right if it helps to satisfy their own needs. Therefore, obeying rules should bring about some sort of benefit in return. In stage three, the child is concerned about what others think of him. Hence at the age of seven to twelve, the child does what is right to impress others. At stage four, (age 12 -14) the child wants to maintain social order. And so for this sake, rules of society should be obeyed. During stage five, (age 14-18) the teenager believes that rules should be based on mutual agreement and not a blind obedience to authority. In the final stage of development the individual makes moral decisions based on the consistent application of self-chosen ethical principles.

46. What are some exercise to help strengthen a three-year-old’s feet and improve their flexibility?

At the age of three, exercises which focus on the feet will strengthen muscles, arches, tendons and enhance the flexibility. You could get your child to draw with his foot. He should secure a chalk between his toes and make markings on a board which is angled. Once he is able to do this you could get him to pick small things such a soft toy or a towel up with his toes. He could even try to roll up and squeeze the towel with his toes. Foot printing is an activity which your child would definitely appreciate. A word of caution though, it can get very messy. Be sure to cover your floor or if possible do this activity outdoors. Make sure you have plenty of space and plenty of paints of various colours. Soapy water and a towel should be kept handy for you to clean his tiny feet before he leaves red footprints all over your marble floor.

47. I was told that jumping requires a different sort of coordination from walking. How can my child improve his coordination?

It is true that jumping requires a different sort of coordination from walking. River crossing is just the exercise for your child. This exercise also helps a child assess distances and alter his muscle effort accordingly. If you are outdoors, draw two parallel lines on the ground or use sticks to form two lines about a foot apart to begin with. If indoors, set out parallel lengths of string or tape on the floor. Ask your child to imagine that he is standing at the edge of a stream. Ask him to jump across without falling in. If he misses and steps inside the lines, pretend that he is wet and quickly wipe dry with an imaginary towel. When your child succeeds, widen the stream. Show him that by swinging his arms he can increase his distance. Jump across with him. Continue to move the lines apart, making the stream into a bigger river until you see that your child is near his physical limit. Make sure his last jump is a successful one.

48. My five year old boy seems to prefer playing by himself to mixing around with his peers. He also seems to be very shy. What can I do to encourage him to socialise with the other children?

The most common cause of shyness in children is unfamiliarity. When your child is surrounded by unfamiliar people it is only natural that he behaves in a shy manner until he is more familiar with them. For some children, this process of familiarisation takes a longer time than others. If your child is one who is naturally shy, avoid using labels on him. In a social setting refrain from calling him shy and do not let anyone else call him that either. If your child has a low self-esteem, pay attention to what he is saying and praise him when he does something social that he does like when he shares his toys with another child and plays with him. In some instances children just have difficulty getting over the initial stage of saying “hello” to a stranger. However once the “ice is broken” as it were, they would have no problems getting along with their new friends. If your child falls into this category, helping him get over the initial reluctance should help him along. You could suggest role playing with you as the new friend. Some children just take a little more time to make new friends, so sometimes being patient helps.

49. Is it advisable for my husband to kiss and cuddle in front of our children?

It is always good for a child to observe human warmth and affection. It is helpful for a child to observe that adults are capable of making up after an argument or a misunderstanding. Children do sometimes get jealous of the special relationship between their parents. However do not be overly concerned about it because it is all a part of learning about separation and it will also help him decide to go out and find his own partner when he grows up. You shouldn’t exclude your child from the cuddles all the time though, because he would then feel rather left out. Besides family hugs are a whole lot of fun for everyone.

50. Should I stop my children from exploring each other’s bodies?

Many of us grow up playing ‘Doctor’ and ‘Nurse’ or some other game which involves the removal of clothes and the exploration of bodies. This is a natural part of growing up and learning. Some parents however tend to over-react and read too much into it. However if your young child’s behaviour is precociously sexual, and he seems to know too much intimate sexual details for his age, then it could well be a sign of sexual abuse. If this were the case, then you should be alert to this possibility and investigate further. In most cases, this sort of play is harmless and it presents to you the perfect opportunity to explain the parts of the body which are considered private. You could also explain that these part of the body can only be touched when the other person consents.

51. My son sometimes refuses to kiss his granny. I wish he was more affectionate towards his grandparents. What can I do to encourage this?

Forcing a child to be affectionate to please you or other people, runs the risk of making the child believe that he has no control of his own body and must always do what other people tell him to. Being able to say no is important. If a child knows that he can say no to unwanted physical contact, it may ward off any abuse. It may be embarrassing for you when your child refuses to kiss grandma goodbye but do realise that you child can be affectionate without physical contact, so respect his wishes.

52. Lately my son has taken to running around without his clothes on. What can I do to put a stop to this?

This habit usually comes hand in hand with the child learning how to undress himself. And more often than not, he would be practicing just when you do not want him to. It is a lovely for a child to feel the air against his skin and to have that freedom. However adults get offended or embarrassed by such a behaviour and you may feel that it is too cold for your child to run around in his ‘birthday suit’. If you do want to suggest that your child gets dressed again, try not to suggest that it is because it is naughty to be naked.

53. Is it a good idea to pay my child for doing household chores?

The relationship between doing chores and allowances needs to be carefully established. You would not want to have to pay your child for fulfilling basic duties, such as cleaning his own room. He might come to a point where he sees that allowance as a pittance and not worth the effort, knowing that mum is always there to clear up later. On the other hand, paying your child for tasks performed over and above those within natural obligations can be beneficial. Firstly, he will learn in a safe environment of the home, the whole idea of responsibility in work. He will learn that certain chores are necessary and should not be paid for or shunned as the whole family has to cooperate to keep the household running. A child who has earned his money is not as likely to fritter it away. When assigning tasks to your child, his age and aptitude should be taken into consideration. The younger child can be asked to share tasks with you. That way, you can guide him, slot some quality time with him and get the housework done as well. For the older child, assign him more independent tasks but he should not be palmed off with the unpleasant chores.

54. I’m rather concerned that my four-year-old girl seems to be in a world of her own. She seems to be very far away when someone is talking to her and even when she does respond, it would be something totally irrelevant. Why is she so inattentive and will there be any psychological effect in the long run?

Young children generally have very short attention spans. This already short attention span becomes practically non-existent when they are not interested on the things that you are saying. Children sometimes have the tendency to ignore everything else except what is on their mind and hence that explains why your child tends to say something which seems totally irrelevant to the topic at hand. This is normal in children, in fact some adults too are guilty of such inattention. What you could do for your child is to help her to focus on her ideas and develop them. You could do this by regularly discussing with her as many topics as possible but remember to keep them pitched at her level of understanding.

55. My four year child is very bossy and over-assertive. He wants the best toys and at the playground he pushes his friends around just so that he will be on the swing first. How should I handle his behaviour?

You are probably bewildered as to how to deal with your child’s behaviour - are you to allow this selfish, bossy little bully to grow into an equally obnoxious adult? Or should you “trash” it out of him? It is essential that you differentiate between his natural development towards self-reliance and what is socially undesirable behaviour and a total lack of consideration for others Snatching the toy away from your child and forcing him to give it to someone else will create resentment, anger and loss of dignity. It is always better for you to give him an option of playing with another toy and always offer a desirable option. Each repetition of a misdemenour is chided with a consistent, gentle but firm manner. The child is weaned into understanding that consideration for others has its pleasures - from being allowed to play with another person’s toy to mummy being proud of him. The operative word here is weaned. The child must be made to realise that he can have control over his world without upsetting the rights of others. To give rein to his boisterous bossiness would be to nurture a petulant, selfish adult; to beat his will out of him would be to deny him his basic right to grow into an independent self-controlled individual. But to lead him into understanding the rights of others fosters the growth of a happy balanced adult.

56. My preschooler often argues and even fights with his sister. What can I do to punish him? And should the punishment be related to the misdeed?

Punishment often works quite well when it is related to the misdeed. If your child is has bullied his younger sibling then the child can be “punished” by having to do something nice for his sister in return. This can range from a simple apology to having to complete the other person’s chores. The specific task should be appropriate to the situation and balanced with the severity of the misdeed. This principle helps the child to learn what is right and useful while having his faults corrected. When a child spills something instead of a whack on the bottom which leaves behind little significance, having the child wipe up what he has spilt by himself teaches him cleaning-up skills.

57. My five-year-old sometimes talk back when I reprimand him for something that he has done wrong. Could I have unwittingly done anything to precipitate this response?

Developmental psychologist say that children often talk back to their parents for three main reasons. Firstly sometimes, parents may unwillingly encourage it. Some parents do allow a kind of rude and disrespectful behaviour that does not help children learn to respect them and others. A second reason why children talk back is really just a symptom of difficult or awkward periods of growth. It is normal to behave childishly when one is a child and some occasional disrespect is an inevitable sign of immaturity. We can show disapproval and try to control the behaviour but we need to have a little more tolerance and a sense of perspective. A third reason children talk back is that parents allow their children independence prematurely. If a child is given a great deal of independence before he has learned to obey, he can easily view himself and not his parents as the base of authority. It is easy for such a child to develop a strong will and to be demanding towards others, including his parents. Thus arrogance should not be allowed under any circumstance.

58. What is the average age when a child outgrows his comfort habits?

While most children outgrow their comfort habits at the age of about three-and-a-half years, some carry the habit through school. While in the olden days, parents went to such lengths to stop children from comfort habits such as sucking their thumbs, the habit is seen as rather harmless now. A habit such as sucking on a pacifier is usually broken once the child socialises with his peers. In most cases between the ages of three and four a child is less attached to his favourite toy or pillow and would probably only need it at bedtime. This is perfectly acceptable since many an adult still likes to keep a cuddly at bedtime.

59. Can attaching positive labels to a child give rise to any problems?

The labels you give your child may be only nice ones like musical, clever, etc. but any label, even positive ones, can be problematic. Labels are confining and even worse the negative ones are demeaning. A child who is called “the clever one” may feel the pressure never to fail. At the same time, he may feel that he is not other things, such as athletic. Labels can also prevent a child from ever seeing himself clearly. Labelled a mathematician, he may repress his artistic feelings and give up an area of life which he enjoys. Furthermore, a parent may see a child quite differently from the way a child sees himself. The label makes a statement about what the parent thinks is important but at that same skill, talent or characterization of as much interest or importance to the child. Experts suggest that parents use their perception of their child’s personality or talents to encourage him rather than just to give him a stamp of identity. For example, “You are bright. I know you can do it.” is supportive and less rigid than “You are the smart one - the test should be easy for you.”

60. What are some of the ways to handle a child who talks back to his parents?

There are a few essential things that you need to remember when faced with an insolent child.

61. I am scheduled to give birth in a couple of days but I still don’t maternal. Will I automatically love my baby?

A mother’s love